‘'April, Come she will, when streams are ripe and swelled with rain...’’ (Simon & Garfunkel, 1965)

‘’How are you going? ’’ (...to which I always want to reply, ‘by bus’.)

After ‘’heaps’’ of positive feedback following ‘Our Graham’s Quick Reminder’ and ‘Alice’s Adventures in WAnderland’ and even inspiring another good friend to start his own Flight School Blog, we get to the murky and universally panned territory of the ‘3rd in the sequence’ or the ‘trilogy.’

Take the likes of recent film flops such as High School Musical 3, Spiderman 3, Mission Impossible 3, or even music album 3rd attempts by Oasis, The Spice Girls...could go on forever....all with the recurring theme that they never quite lived up to expectation, or, were simply pants.

With the daunting prospect of being put in the bargain bucket so early in one’s literary career, I shall do my utmost best to provide you with something akin to a Lord of the Rings master class as opposed to a Rush Hour 3 atrocity!


Right, I don’t know where the boys were when they penned this insightful number, but I can assure you that it sure as golf ball sized hailstones was not Perth. (It is possible that they were on their way here, but due to transit issues at Heathrow and a strangely short connection flight, ended up supping on Haggis in an identically named paradise!)

Autumn was, until one freak ‘’Natural Disaster’’ hour on March 22nd, the only thing reigning Down Under - the thermo (An Australian necessity to shorten and whack an ‘o’ on the end of each word...even I have been prescribed the treatment by Jack...Aero!) continues to oscillate sweat provokingly around the ‘30’ mark. The Perth Met Office has kindly informed me that ‘ I ‘ will be the only person feeling the heat on the 19th of the month!

Speaking of numbers dates and months and in keeping with the recent trend of lowering the tone of the blog with a hailstorm of not so subtle post-watershed innuendos, a closer inspection of the title song’s lyrics when juxtaposed with my own relationship is somewhat startling! Allow me to expand:

April, Come she will

So despite turning 30, I’m apparently still going to be Hugh Heffner in the bedroom.

May, she will stay

Seeing as we both have return tickets to the UK for May 27th, this prophecy is of concern!

June she’ll change her tune, in restless walks she’ll prowl the night

Clearly I won’t have lived up to my April youthfulness, she develops insomnia lying awake dreaming of Mitchell Johnson ( got it in! ) , and I’m a little unsure of what they are getting at next, but an educated guess would conclude that she either turns into a werewolf or something out of Twilight, or worse still, a regular on the Soho circuit!

July, she will fly and give no warning of her flight

She bores of Team Aaron and has the urge to spread her wings, leaving me up in the air as to her intended destination, or more likely, whether she flew Quantas or Singapore Airlines! Either that or the anti-depressants and hallucinogenic mood enhancers that a life in London prescribes, have her practicing her best Superman effort off Merali Mansions!

Anyone aware of the remaining lyrics for August and September will appreciate why I shall cut the light heartedness short at this juncture! I am not quite in the mould of Ned Kelly just yet, and myself and Ms Morris, one hopes, have plans for a ‘happily ever after’.........*gulp*.

I approach my 4 month milestone in Perth in 2 weeks time and remain a leisurely domestic goddess, now fluent in Maltese – Shitzu. In return, the dog’s palate has developed an unhealthy penchant for various chocolates, and he himself has similarly become fluent in shitting Maltesers.

(Disclaimer: Before anyone complains to the RSPCA, the dog is not actually fed human chocolates. However, he does partake in a fortnightly West Coast Fried Bucket Evening, though cunningly, he hasn’t quite grasped the Aussie concept of BYO! (Bring Your Own)...still, I submit to the Learned Judge that I am not responsible for his ½ Kg weight gain over the last 2 months! Despite merely stretching a foot and a half long, I plead that he is simply big boned. )

I shan’t mention for fear of tears of laughter what happened to Chloe a couple of weeks ago at the dog beach when a massive Great Dane-looking, muscle ridden bull dog, ploughed into her at pace chasing another dog, sending her flying into the sea. She claims (I think perhaps my drama factor is rubbing off on her) that the episode left her concussed for a few seconds when her head hit the soft, silky white sand, so much so that she does not remember the moment of impact or immediate aftermath. Poor Chloe. Of all the people on the beach, had to be her! And not one person helped as she sat in shock, fully clothed, in the wave break. The South African owner did not even offer an apology, but stated, I quote, ‘It’s a big dog isn’t it ‘. One hopes his house was gutted by in the recent storm.

I can report that the pound recently fell to a 25 year low against the Aus $, and a loaf of bread now costs in the region of forty five pounds. An iceberg lettuce today was £3.50...the recent storm wiped out a major suppliers crop plantation to the whole of WA and only those with yachts or Cessna Jets are entitled to purchase same on production of a ‘Monte Carlo Prices in Perth’ store card.

I have adapted my survival instincts to the hostile environment and have limited my ‘happy food’ jaunts to a meagre 9 a week. In terms of weight loss, I’m still waiting and shall continue to wait.

After a 20 year absence, I’m pleased to say that I can still ride a bicycle. With Josh travelling down south for a month with the intention of ‘picking fruit’, which soon transpired as code for ‘picking up Japanese women’, I made use of his wheels, cycling the coast dune path between Mullalloo and Whitfords Beach, and in doing so, saw a repertoire Steve Irwin would have been totally stung by...a couple of snakes, an amazing tiger striped yellow lizard, and the highlight, a shark 30m from shore with his brethren feeding on an apparent carcass 300m out.

Whilst employment still eludes and my CV’s have now been dedicated to the local Aboriginals for identity theft and arson usage, Chloe has left the Fertility Clinic job and waltzed like Matilda straight into an ENT clinic as a children’s nurse. She has also kept up her weekly tap dancing classes as I too have kept up my daily human solarium exploits. Were I to turn up at Matilda’s tap dancing class, there’s a strong chance I would be mistaken for Sammy Davis Junior. If I tapped though, I might fall through the floor boards.

Easter brings with it a multitude of exciting surprises - I might perhaps start acting my age as opposed to my shoe size....no chance. Chloe’s parents have organised a secret night away for Easter weekend, destination unknown, and Chloe has thoughtfully booked a week away for my birthday, again destination unknown. So I shall be otherwise engaged in various activities throughout April if anyone was expecting a ring.

To conclude, I hereby propose a toast from Kallaroo WA and wish you all a Happy and Safe Easter, and more importantly, that Arsenal somehow get past the might of Barcelona tonight!

You’ve been a lovely audience. Thank you & G’Night.

The March Hare's March Rundown, featuring The Mad Hatter & The Queen of Hearts.....and another.

Following on from our Graham's quick recap, it is now the March Hare's opportunity to steal the limelight and narrate the monthly happenings in WAnderland! (A Job at The Sun as the caption King surely beckons? )

The Mad Hatter remains content, despite losing his manly mane, and still holds court at the foot of the bed, only this time, he's upped a class, and is now fighting in a different weight division due to his insistence on thrice daily meal sharing. I tried to explain the salad option but entered a credibiltiy minefield.

The Queen of Hearts has re-registered as an Aussie Nurse and been testing men's tubes at a fertility clinic in Claremont. Apparently when the men come into the clinic, they find things rather hard on meeting her. Problem solved.

Mam Hearts has also become somewhat of a Madhur Jaffery in the culinary department, and is now an expert Samosa Artist and Sous Curry Chef. She is also fully versed in the art of sub-continental swearing, a feat expedited on a recent viewing of Slumdog Millionaire. What chance of her replacing the digeridoo with a sitar or the bikini for a sari!? Knowing Her Majesty's Xenophobic quailties, I'd say there's more chance of getting a handshake of Wayne Bridge.

and Me ?

I,of course, am Alice.....Alice, who the F*ck is Alice!?

Well, despite sending off near 100 job applications, each and every one returning a middle finger response, Alice remains for the time being a model Western Australian Housewife.

Yesterday was Labour day Bank Holiday...........a much needed day off.

And such a day, when broken up, really sums up Alice's month of February.

Labour - Everything But.
Bank - No bonuses for Alice
Holiday - One Long One!

Anyway, I shall keep hunting, but be in no doubt that currently, life's a complete beach.

On the tourist trail, it has sort of become the fashion to see how many times one can take a picture of the Perth CBD skyline from different locations and projectories, and still pass them off as exciting! The latest ones came courtesy of trips to Lesmurdie Falls and Kings Park Botanical Gardens. A lovely boat ride to Mindarie Keys was a highlight and we were lucky enough to see dolphins on the return leg.

Another trip to Hippo Creek was as good as ever, following the 500g T Bone last time, I put down a 500g Rump Steak this time, hung from a giant skewer, and dripping with garlic and peri peri sauce onto a bowl of chips. Too good.

A drive to Northbridge was an eye opener! It is sort of like a wild western looking Soho, seedy and rough. We sat down to a nice chinese a couple of nights back, but poor Chloe went white and I must admit to wondering what the hell was happening, when a surprise end of Chinese New Year Dragon performance started in the restaurant with the loudest most unexpected terrifying fire crackers I reckon anyone has ever heard, and the majority of the restaurant, unaware as we were of the unfolding events, thought it was Northbridge's 9/11 !

On other fronts, we wish Chloe's Dad well in his total recovery from a double hip operation. Knowing John as I do, I think he's secretly hoping he's fit enough to board the plane as a Socceroo to South Africa in a few months time as reserve attacking midfielder! With his determination, it would not surprise! So speedy recovery.

Finally, it would not be proper of me to conclude this update without mention of the Mitchell Johnson issue. Well, it gives me great pleasure to announce that on Friday March 12 @ 6pm, he is uncannily appearing for charity at our local pub, The Greenwood, for a sponsored head shave! ( Talk about jumping on my bandwagon! ) I have no doubt Chloe is keeping that night in the diary well and truly free, and I have taken the proactive steps of booking a consultation in the queue behind Cheryl Cole to see Fiona Shackelton should things turn sour come midnight!

From all the lovely creatures in WAnderland, excluding the bastard Huntsman and Redbacks, its Good Aye and Fair Dinkum to y'all.

In the words of Cilla Black on Blind Date....’now here’s our Graham with a quick reminder.’

Being the 1st of Feb 2010, almost 2 months since our double-deckered Airbus A380 touched down in Perth, I thought I’d touch base, and in doing so, awaken the green eyed monster on a Monday morning for all those waking up to sub zero temperatures in Blighty!



My first full day in Perth turned out to be the hottest day on record here since 1989, notching 45, or 110 odd, depending on whether you swing with the German or the Swede. The all time record for the hottest day is unanimously accepted as the 13th January 1988, when the most stunning woman on the planet was born to Karen and John Morris. (Try not to puke into your cornflakes!)



Now I’m sure you’ve all missed me a lot, none more so than my Dad who I’m certain will have missed my unrivalled contribution and dedication at work (cue the canned laughter), my mother, who has been relieved of the duties of bringing up her ADHD son for 2 months, (Cue the ahhhh’s) and of course the local Buscot Dairy greasy spoon, who have probably gone out of business. Likewise, the Khans delivery boy must think the last 10 years weekly Chicken Chilli Masala he dropped off finally put me 6 foot under! Down Under!



I have arrived in Perth in the year that marks a few milestone birthdays too. I turn the Big Three O in April and Karen the Small Five Zero in May! Chloe turned 22 last week (cue expletives in her direction). With it of course, for my part, the mid life crisis, and those of you on my Facebook may have had a double take on seeing photos of me looking like the Dalai Lama cross bred with Ghandi cum Phil Mitchell. With a hair line receding quicker than Tony Blair’s credibility at the Iraq Inquiry, and the jealousy at all the thick surfer boy Aussie Hair Styles, believe me when I say I had no choice.



For those of you wondering if I have picked up the Aussie Twang in 2 months, you will be disappointed to learn that it is veering more towards Peter Kay or Peter Barlow than Peter Andre!



It took 4 weeks for me to see my first Kangaroo, which kind of upset the vision that I’m sure most tourists perceive in that these odd looking creatures cohabit with Australians and can be found in Shopping Malls, waiting for the bus and sunbathing on the beach in boxing gloves. I have since got up close and personal with them in the Caversham Wildlife Park, where we met Koalas, Wombats and Possums.



We have now toured the Perth City area by land, sea and air! A helicopter ride Xmas present from Chloe’s folks was great fun, going up and down the coast, over the WACA, and of course the CBD Sky Scrapers. Speaking of which, maybe one of the few negative points I will make as a balance, Perth seems to have become a bit too Americanised for my liking, from the Mile long Malls, to Television & Radio and to young people’s culture and behaviour.



A wine tour in Dunsborough, 5 hours drive south (with obligatory 8 Hungry Jack’s stop-overs en-route) was great fun, and while most were feeling the effects of the day-long chuggings, Chloe’s 80 year old Nana Agnes looked like she could do the course again! I mistakenly and perhaps in a tipsy state called her ‘Angus’ over a witchety grub and kangaroo cold cuts lunch at the Knotting Hill Winery, and apologies to her, but to the amusement of myself & Chloe’s brother Jack, the name stuck, as her Xmas cards proved! (This may be one of those In-Jokes where ‘you had to be there’ to appreciate it!)



It was Australia Day last week, and we cruised up the Swan River to the CBD from Fremantle to see the SkyWorks (Fireworks) set off from barges on the river and off the sky scrapers. Really was a pretty spectacle. Sort of mildly beat the November 5 crushed 137 bus ride to Battersea to stand in the freezing cold craning ones neck and not being able to un-crane it due to freeze locking and being covered in Hot Dog remnants and dog exit material!



Sharks...a reality. All a bit scary. This aint no Thames! They are here, everywhere, and hungry! The popular nearby beaches were recently closed as a group of the buggers were doing a war dance close in, while the other week, 4 hammerheads and 3 tiger sharks were spotted 30 metres from the sunbathers in Scarborough! Due to the lovely tan I have worked on and my ever present belly, my resemblance to a seal or maybe a walrus may have my fishy friends thinking I’m a human kebab, so I have been extra vigilant! When down South, myself and Chloe slammed in powerful 6 foot constant waves in Yallingup. Truly awesome.



Now for those of you who know Chloe, you’ll know she is a bit alright, more commonly known as ‘fit’, ‘buff’, ‘bangin’ etc... So I am a very lucky boy indeed. However, she has developed an unhealthy attraction to Australian Cricketer Mitchell Johnson. She was given his calendar for Xmas, her Mum has a work link of some sort to his father, and on mentioning his name, she goes all puppy love and seems to know a bit more about him than she cares to let on! So I have teased her on a weekly basis for the past 6 months as one does as I am not a 6 foot rugged looking strapping fast bowler and insecurities get the better of me! So you can imagine my shock while we are quietly shopping in Karrinyup Mall and walk right into the bastard a day before the WACA Test against WI. The stare the two shared was alarming, as was Chloe’s initial tomato blushed face on seeing him, followed by her ghost white complexion a minute later when she realised that I was actually in the room watching the love affair in the mall develop. As long he remains Australia’s’ current ‘Best Quickie’ purely in cricket speak and not to my beautiful girlfriend, then I’m ok!! :-)



On that note and whilst I still have two balls to come in hand, and before I get sent back to the pavilion with any more poor taste cricket analogies, the experience in Perth so far has been fantastic and just what I’d imagined. I have been made to feel at home by Chloe and her family in their lovely house complete with pool and hot tub!, met her cousin Josh, (a great lad who himself has also come over for the year from Manchester), had multiple Barbie fry-ups, and have blitzed the tourist trail nicely, visiting almost every beach in the area, a great 20/20 match at the WACA, Helicopter and Boat rides, Wildlife Parks, City Bus Tours, Weddings, Engagement Parties....could go on and on.



If you haven’t seen any of my photos, I have become a photo guru and have over 400 from the trip up on Facebook if you fancy a butchers!



For now, from me and BooBoo who is perched on the end of the bed at 9am on 1/2/2010, it’s back to job hunting, opening a bank account, getting my medical forms, and cleaning the house while the Mrs has gone off for her first day of work in the City....



...........Yea right, see you at the beach in 10 : )